I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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