it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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