So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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