Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
