dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
