god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
