all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
