wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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