I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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