Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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