M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
