your parents love me but you hate me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
