I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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