My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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