How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
