thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize