if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
