I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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