we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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