You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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