She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
