bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
