At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drake has all the answers
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
