i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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