well I can't set my house on fire every night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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