I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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