he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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