i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
