I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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