I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
