i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
