U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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