Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
