I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
