If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
