Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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