I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
