note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
