I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
