i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
