What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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