I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
