it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
