well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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