have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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