I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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