Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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