We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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