Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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