Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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