A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
