The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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