His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
