drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
