And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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