I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
God, I missed his penis.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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