Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
