This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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