I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
