God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
