Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
