his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
