I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
