i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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